


Free To Be You And Me

by ackles_ass_equation



Series: Superghetto [85]
Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 22:24:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11194686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackles_ass_equation/pseuds/ackles_ass_equation
Summary: Sam decides ta stop hustlin but has a hard time afta he receives a surprise visit. Dean n' Castiel try ta find tha Archangel Raphael up in they bid ta stop tha Apocalypse.





	1. Chapter 1

_EXT. GREAT PLAINS MOTEL – NIGHT_

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

SAM lies up in a otherwise empty bed, tryin ta chill yo. Dude opens his wild lil' fuckin eyes, sighs, n' rolls over n' shiznit yo. Dude sits up n' sees JESS beside his muthafuckin ass.

 **JESS  
** Yo, baby.

SAM stares.

 **JESS  
** I missed you, biatch.

SAM keeps staring.

 **SAM  
** Jessica. I be trippin.

 **JESS  
** Or you not. Whatz tha difference, biatch? I be here.

 **SAM  
** I miss you all muthafuckin day.

 **JESS  
** I know.

JESS reaches up ta take SAMz hand.

 **JESS  
** I miss you like a muthafucka. What is you bustin, Sam?

 **SAM  
** What do you mean?

 **JESS  
** Hustlin away yo. Haven't we been down dis road before?

 **SAM  
** No. It aint nuthin but different now, nahmeean?

 **JESS  
** Really?

 **SAM  
** Last time I wanted ta be normal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. This time I know I be a gangbangin' freak.

 **JESS  
** Which be all a funky-ass big-ass bizzle of semantics. Yo ass know that.

 **SAM  
** No.

 **JESS  
** Even at Stanford you knew. Yo ass knew there was suttin' dark inside of you, biatch. Deep down, maybe yo, but you knew. Maybe thatz what tha fuck gots me capped.

SAM looks up, startled.

 **SAM  
** No.

 **JESS  
** I was dead from tha moment we holla'd hello.

 **SAM  
** No.

 **JESS  
** Don't you git it, biatch? Yo ass can't run from yo ass. Why is you hustlin now?

 **SAM  
** Why is you here, Jess?

 **JESS  
** Would you believe I be straight-up tryin ta protect yo slick ass?

 **SAM  
** From what?

 **JESS  
** Yo ass fo'sho. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sooner or lata tha past is goin ta catch up ta you like it always do. Yo ass know what tha fuck happens then?

SAM looks down.

 **JESS  
** Muthafuckas take a thugged-out dirt nap. Baby, tha playas closest ta you take a thugged-out dirt nap.

 **SAM  
** Don't worry cuz I won't make dat fuck up again.

 **JESS  
** Same song, different verse. Things is never gonna chizzle wit you, biatch. Ever.

SAM looks down, then back up. JESS is gone.

 


	2. Chapter 2

One Week Earlier  
LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S "SIMPLE MAN" MONTAGE  
EXT. GREAT PLAINS MOTEL – DAY  
A hoopty pulls up in front of tha motel.  
Garber, Oklahoma  
SAM gets outta tha shotgun seat.  
SAM  
Thanks.  
DRIVER  
Yo ass is welcome.  
SAM goes round ta tha back of tha hoopty n' opens tha trunk.  
EXT. TAFT MEMORIAL HOSPITAL – DAY  
DEAN closes tha trunk of tha Impala yo. Dude is bustin a suit n' tie, up in contrast ta SAMz casual dress. DEAN hides a long-ass knife under tha coat n' goes tha fuck into tha hospitizzle.  
MUSIC  
Mama holla'd at me  
Greeley, Pennsylvania  
MUSIC  
When I was young  
INT. MOTEL ROOM – DAY''  
MUSIC  
Come sit beside me  
SAM squirts lighta fluid onto papers up in a sink.  
MUSIC  
My fuckin only son  
SAM lights a match n' drops it in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAMz fake IDs n' credit cards, includin one fo' tha Pennsylvania state police, catch fire.  
INT yo. HOSPITAL – DAY  
MUSIC  
And listen closely  
DEAN shows his Pennsylvania state five-o ID ta a thugged-out doctor.  
DEAN  
Yea muthafucka, Detectizzle Bizzle Buckner.  
DOCTOR  
Yes yo. How tha fuck can I help you, Detective?  
MUSIC  
To what tha fuck I say  
DEAN  
I be here bout dem patients, tha exsanguinated ones.  
INT. BAR – DAY  
MUSIC  
And if you do dis it'll help you some sunny day  
SAM is visible all up in tha window struttin up ta tha bar fo' realz. A sign dat readz "BSTDOY WANTED" is on tha door.  
INT. BAR  
SAM holdz a cold-ass lil crate full of fruit n' dumps it out.  
EXT. NIGHT  
DEAN shoves a MAN onto tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Da MAN bares vampire fangs.  
DEAN  
Eat it, Twilight.  
DEAN brangs his knife down on tha vampirez neck.  
INT. BAR  
SAM chops lemons.  
EXT. NIGHT  
DEAN, grill blood-spattered, hacks all up in tha vampirez neck.  
INT. BAR  
SAM slices lemons n' wipes his wild lil' forehead.  
EXT. NIGHT  
DEAN wipes his cheek, smearin a shitload of tha blood.  
MUSIC  
Oh take yo' time  
EXT. NIGHT  
DEAN opens tha trunk of tha Impala.  
MUSIC  
Don't live too fast  
INT. BAR  
MUSIC  
Troublez will come  
SAM carries a rag over ta tha bar n' starts wipin it down.  
MUSIC  
And they will pass  
A WAITRESS (her name is LINDSEY) eyes his ass appreciatively n' carries off some muthafuckaz glass n' brew bottle.  
MUSIC  
Go find a biatch n' you gonna find love  
SAM continues ta clean tha bar wit soapy liquid.  
EXT. NIGHT  
DEAN washes tha car.  
MUSIC  
And don't forget, son  
INT. IMPALA – NIGHT  
DEAN drives, listenin ta music.  
MUSIC  
There is one of mah thugs up above  
And be a simple  
Kind of man  
Oh won't you do this  
For me son, if you can  
Baby be a simple  
EXT. ROAD – NIGHT  
Da Impala drives on.  
MUSIC  
Be a simple man  
DEAN'S MOTEL ROOM  
INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT  
DEAN dampens a washcloth up in tha motel room sink n' starts ta clean his jacket. CASTIEL appears behind his muthafuckin ass. DEAN sees his ass up in tha mirror n' startles.  
DEAN  
God.  
DEAN thumps tha sink.  
DEAN  
Don't do that.  
CASTIEL  
Yo muthafucka, Dean.  
DEAN turns around; CASTIEL is inches from his muthafuckin ass.  
DEAN  
Cas, we've talked bout all dis bullshit. Personal space?  
CASTIEL  
My fuckin apologies.  
CASTIEL steps back. DEAN grabs his jacket n' strutts toward tha bed.  
DEAN  
How'd you find mah crazy ass son, biatch? I thought I was flyin below tha angel radar.  
DEAN rubs his bangin ribs ta illustrate tha point.  
CASTIEL  
Yo ass are. Bobby holla'd at mah crazy ass where you were.  
CASTIEL looks round tha motel room, which has no signz of SAMz presence, not even a second bed.  
CASTIEL  
Wherez Sam?  
DEAN puts on his jacket without lookin at CASTIEL.  
DEAN  
Me n' Sam is takin separate vacations fo' a while. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So. Yo ass find Dogg yet, biatch? Mo' blinginly, can I have mah damn phat gold rope back, please?  
CASTIEL  
Fuck dat shit, I aint found his muthafuckin ass. Thatz why I be here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. I need yo' help.  
DEAN  
With what, biatch? Dogg hunt, biatch? Not interested.  
CASTIEL  
It aint nuthin but not Dogg. It aint nuthin but one of mah thugs.  
DEAN  
Who?  
CASTIEL  
Archangel. Da one whoz ass capped mah dirty ass.  
DEAN  
'Scuse me son?  
CASTIEL  
His name is Raphael.  
DEAN  
Yo ass was wasted by a teenage mutant ninja angel?  
CASTIEL  
I've heard whispers dat da thug struttin tha earth. This be a rare opportunity.  
DEAN  
For what, biatch? Revenge?  
CASTIEL  
Information.  
DEAN goes back over ta tha sink, picks up his knife n' a washcloth, n' starts ta clean tha knife.  
DEAN  
So, what, you be thinkin you can find dis dude n' he just gonna spill Godz address?  
CASTIEL  
Yes, cuz we is gonna trap his ass n' invigorate his muthafuckin ass.  
DEAN pauses n' turns back.  
DEAN  
Yo ass is straight-up bout this.  
CASTIEL turns round ta grill DEAN. DEAN drops tha washcloth n' strutts back toward CASTIEL.  
DEAN  
So, what, I be Thelma n' you Louise n' our laid-back asses just goin ta hold handz n' sail off dis cliff together?  
CASTIEL stares at DEAN, confused. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DEAN goes round CASTIEL n' do suttin' offscreen wit tha knife.  
DEAN  
Give me one phat reason why I should do this.  
CASTIEL  
Because you Michaelz vessel n' no angel will dare harm you, biatch.  
DEAN looks at CASTIEL.  
DEAN  
Oh, so I be yo' cap shield.  
CASTIEL  
I need yo' help cuz yo ass is tha only one who'll help mah dirty ass. Please.  
DEAN considers.  
DEAN  
All right, fine. Where is he?  
CASTIEL  
Maine. Letz go.  
CASTIEL reaches ta bust a nut on DEANz forehead wit two fingers. DEAN leans away.  
DEAN  
Whoa.  
CASTIEL removes his hand.  
CASTIEL  
What?  
DEAN  
Last time you zapped mah crazy ass someplace I didn't shizzle fo' a week. Us dudes driving.  
BAR  
INT. BAR – NIGHT  
LINDSEY is throwin darts; they land near tha centa of tha target. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM be all up in tha bar next ta tha BARTENDER.  
LINDSEY  
Yo Keith, you play?  
SAM  
That depends. What is we playin for?  
LINDSEY  
Ghetto peace.  
SAM  
Oh, is dat all?  
LINDSEY  
Can I ask you something?  
SAM  
Shoot.  
SAM wipes his handz off on a cold-ass lil cloth n' tosses it all up in tha bar. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. LINDSEY retrieves her darts.  
LINDSEY  
Yo ass finished dat crossword puzzle up in tha kitchen?  
SAM  
Uh, I guess. Why?  
LINDSEY  
Da New York Times Saturdizzle crossword?  
SAM looks down.  
SAM  
Was it?  
LINDSEY  
Uh-huh. Yo ass blow tha fuck into hood last week, you don't rap ta anybody, you obviously highly educated. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. Yo ass is like dis y'all...  
SAM  
Riddle wrapped inside a enigma wrapped inside a taco?  
LINDSEY nods, smiling.  
LINDSEY  
Herez what tha fuck we play for. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. When I win, you loot me dinner n' tell me yo' game story.  
SAM  
Soundz fair.  
NEWS ANCHOR JOHN (on TV up in background)  
—last year alone, standardz of ??, biatch? n' peep how tha fuck dat turns out—  
SAM throws all three darts tha fuck into tha centa of tha target.  
NEWS ANCHOR JOHN  
And now ??, biatch? with ???—  
LINDSEY  
Straight-up mysterioso.  
NEWS ANCHOR JOHN  
Sprin hail, lightnin strikes, n' now fire—  
LINDSEY  
I wanna bust a nut on dat shit.  
SAMz attention is on KPJT 6 Shit on tha TV, which shifts from one vizzle of a hailstorm ta another, then ta vizzle of trees on fire, then ta tha REPORTER live wit fire n' firemen up in tha background. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! While tha REPORTER is onscreen, so be a funky-ass box dat say "LIVE REPORT" next ta a scrollbar repeatin "FIRE CONSUMES TOWN, RESIDENTS FORCED TO EVACUATE..."  
REPORTER  
—the hood of Tully, biatch? tonight, John. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Locals say dat what tha fuck started as a torrential hailstorm late dis afternoon suddenly turned ta massive lightnin strikes dat triggered tha fires now consumin mo' than twenty acres here along tha Route 17 corridor. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. County officials is advisin all Tully gangstas ta prepare fo' what tha fuck could become mandatory evacuations.  
Da BARTENDER shuts tha TV off.  
BARTENDER  
Damn. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Is it me or do it seem like itz tha end of tha ghetto?  
SAM looks away.  
WATERVILLE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT  
EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET – DAY  
DEAN n' CASTIEL git outta tha Impala.  
Waterville, Maine  
DEAN  
And our crazy asses here why?  
CASTIEL  
A deputy sheriff laid eyes on tha archangel.  
DEAN  
And da perved-out muthafucka still has eyes, biatch? All right, whatz tha plan?  
CASTIEL  
We bout ta...tell tha fool dat da thug witnessed a angel of tha Lord, n' tha fool will tell our asses where tha angel is.  
DEAN  
Seriously, biatch? Yo ass is goin ta strutt up in there n' tell his ass tha real deal?  
CASTIEL  
Why not?  
DEAN  
Because our crazy asses humans.  
DEAN pulls up another fake ID n' stashes it inside CASTIELz coat, then adjusts CASTIELz coat n' tie.  
DEAN  
And when humans want suttin' straight-up, straight-up bad, our slick asses lie.  
CASTIEL  
Why?  
DEAN  
Because thatz how tha fuck you become President.  
INT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT – DAY  
DEAN  
Deputy Framingham?  
Da DEPUTY turns around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DEAN holdz up a STD ID.  
DEAN  
Yo! Alonzo Mosely, STD. This is mah partner, Eddie Moscone.  
CASTIEL do nothing.  
DEAN  
Also STD.  
CASTIEL do nothing. DEAN stares at his muthafuckin ass. CASTIEL catches on n' pulls up his STD ID, which da ruffneck displays upside-down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. DEAN turns it over fo' his muthafuckin ass.  
DEAN  
He's, uh, he new. Mind if we ask you all dem thangs?  
CASTIEL looks all up in tha ID, curious.  
FRAMINGHAM  
Yeah, sure. Talk here, though.  
FRAMINGHAM indicates his bangin right ear, leadin DEAN n' CASTIEL ta his crib.  
FRAMINGHAM  
Hearingz all blown ta hell up in dis one.  
DEAN  
That happen recently?  
FRAMINGHAM  
Yeah. Gas station. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Why you here, aint it?  
DEAN  
Yes, it is.  
They all sit tha fuck down.  
DEAN  
Yo ass mind just, uh, hustlin our asses all up in what tha fuck happened?  
FRAMINGHAM  
A call came in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Disturbizzle up all up in tha Pump n' Go on Route 4.  
DEAN  
What kind of disturbance?  
FRAMINGHAM  
Would not have believed mah eyes if I hadn't peeped it mah dirty ass. We poppin' off a riot. Full scale.  
DEAN  
How tha fuck many?  
FRAMINGHAM  
Thirty, forty, up in all-out kill-or-be-killed combat?  
DEAN  
Any scam what tha fuck set dem off?  
CASTIEL  
It aint nuthin but angels n' demons, probably.  
FRAMINGHAM looks at CASTIEL. CASTIEL looks back.  
CASTIEL  
They're skirmishin all over tha globe.  
FRAMINGHAM  
Come again?  
FRAMINGHAM turns back ta DEAN.  
FRAMINGHAM  
What did da perved-out muthafucka say?  
DEAN n' CASTIEL drop a rhyme simultaneously.  
DEAN  
Nothing. Nothing.  
CASTIEL  
Demons. Demons.  
CASTIEL shuts up.  
DEAN  
Demons, you know, drink, adultery. We all have our demons, Walt.  
FRAMINGHAM looks back n' forth.  
FRAMINGHAM  
I guess.  
DEAN looks at CASTIEL.  
DEAN  
Anyway.  
DEAN returns his thugged-out attention ta FRAMINGHAM.  
DEAN  
What happened next?  
FRAMINGHAM  
Freakin explosion, thatz what. They holla'd dat shiznit was one of dem underground gas tanks yo, but, uh, I don't be thinkin so.  
DEAN  
Why not?  
FRAMINGHAM  
Wasn't yo' usual firebizzle. Kick dat shit! Well shiiiit, it was, um—  
CASTIEL  
Pure white.  
FRAMINGHAM  
Yeah. Gas station was leveled. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Everyone was...it was just horrible fo' realz. And I peep dis one muthafucka, kneeling, real focused-like, not a thugged-out damn scratch on his muthafuckin ass.  
DEAN  
Yo ass know him?  
FRAMINGHAM  
Donnie Finneman. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Mechanic there.  
DEAN  
Let me guess, he just, uh, vanished tha fuck into thin air?  
FRAMINGHAM  
Uh, no, Kolchak. Dat punk down at Saint Pete's.  
CASTIEL turns ta DEAN.  
CASTIEL  
Saint Pete's.  
DEAN  
Nuff props, biatch.  
ST. PETER'S HOSPITAL  
INT yo. HOSPITAL – DAY  
DONNIE is chillin up in a wheelchair, catatonic. DEAN n' CASTIEL observe his ass from tha hallway window.  
DEAN  
I take it thatz not Raphael no mo'.  
CASTIEL  
Just a empty vessel.  
DEAN  
So is dis what tha fuck I be lookin at if Mike jumps up in mah bones?  
CASTIEL  
Fuck dat shit, not at all. Mike is much mo' bangin naaahhmean, biatch? It'll be far worse fo' you, biatch.  
DEAN looks away.  
PHONE CONVERSATION  
INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT  
SAM has his fuckin laptop open ta a cold-ass lil calligraphed page of tha Book of Revelation up in Latin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM highlights a section n' magnifies it, then picks up tha beeper n' scrolls past Adele, Alana, Bobby, Butcher, Cassidy, Cory, Courtenay, Dan, Darilyn, n' Deborah ta Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude stares all up in tha highlighted number fo' a moment, (212) 555-0113, n' scrolls up ta Bobby.  
INT. BOBBY'S HOUSE – NIGHT alternatin wit INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT  
Da beeper rings. BOBBY lyrics.  
BOBBY  
Sam?  
SAM  
Yo Bobby yo. How tha fuck you bustin?  
BOBBY  
Well I ain't hustlin any marathons yo, but I be bout ta live.  
SAM laughs.  
BOBBY  
Where is yo slick ass?  
SAM  
Uh, Garber, Oklahoma. I found a hood up tha road showin some Revelation omens.  
BOBBY  
What omens?  
SAM  
All right, dig all dis bullshit. 'And upon his bangin risin there shall be hail n' fire mixed wit blood.'  
BOBBY  
Well ain't dat delightful.  
SAM  
Yeah. But we already gots hailstorms n' fire so I be guessin blood can't be too far behind.  
BOBBY  
Okay.  
SAM  
What?  
BOBBY  
There a reason you calling?  
SAM  
Dean didn't tell yo slick ass?  
BOBBY  
Dude holla'd at mah dirty ass.  
SAM  
Yeah. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So I just thought you might wanna smoke up whoz up in tha area n' put a playa on this.  
BOBBY  
Okay, let me peep if I can be thinkin of tha dopest hunta whoz ass might be up in tha immediate vicinity—oh, that'd be you, biatch.  
SAM  
I can't, Bobby, I be chillin dis one out.  
BOBBY  
Sam—  
SAM  
I gotta go. I be soopa-doopa sorry bout dat bullshit.  
BOBBY  
Hold on, Sam—  
SAM hangs up. BOBBY throws down tha phone.


	3. Chapter 3

**_ABANDONED HOUSE_ **

_INT yo. HOUSE – DAY_

DEAN strutts all up in tha empty cabin, pagin all up in Johnz journal. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack yo. Dude sets it down on tha table n' turns. CASTIEL is there, holdin a cold-ass lil ceramic jar.

 **DEAN  
** Where've you been?

 **CASTIEL  
** Jerusalem.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, how tha fuck was it?

 **CASTIEL  
** Arid.

CASTIEL sets tha jar on tha table.

 **DEAN  
** Whatz that?

 **CASTIEL  
** It aint nuthin but oil. It aint nuthin but straight-up special. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Straight-up rare.

CASTIEL sits down.

 **DEAN  
** Okay, so we trap Raphael wit a sick vinaigrette?

 **CASTIEL  
** No.

 **DEAN  
** So dis ritual of yours, when do it gots ta go down?

 **CASTIEL  
** Sunrise.

 **DEAN  
** Tell me something. Yo ass keep sayin we gonna trap dis muthafucka. Isn't dat kinda like trappin a hurricane wit a funky-ass butterfly net?

 **CASTIEL  
** Fuck dat shit, itz harder.

 **DEAN  
** Do our crazy asses have any chizzle of survivin this?

 **CASTIEL  
** Yo ass do.

 **DEAN  
** So oddz is you a thugged-out dead playa tomorrow.

 **CASTIEL  
** Yes yes y'all.

 **DEAN  
** Well. Last night on earth. What is yo' plans?

 **CASTIEL  
** I just thought I'd sit here on tha fuckin' down-lowly.

 **DEAN  
** Come on, anything, biatch? Booze, dem hoes?

CASTIEL looks at DEAN n' away, uncomfortable.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass done been wit dem hoes before. Right, biatch? Or a angel, at least?

CASTIEL rubs tha back of his neck.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass mean ta tell me you've never been up there bustin a lil cloud-seeding?

 **CASTIEL  
** Look, I've never had occasion, aiiight?

 **DEAN  
** All right.

DEAN grabs his jacket.

 **DEAN  
** Let me rap something. There is two thangs I know fo' certain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. One, Bert n' Ernie is gay fo' realz. Two, yo ass is  _not_  gonna take a thugged-out dirtnap a virgin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Not on mah watch. Letz go.

DEAN leaves. CASTIEL stares afta him, then bigs up.

**_BAR_ **

_INT. BAR - NIGHT_

A patron skits pool. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM takes a tray of empty glasses n' trash.

 **MAN  
** Sam.

SAM ignores his muthafuckin ass.

 **MAN  
** Sam.

 **LINDSEY  
** Sam, biatch? What happened ta Keith?

SAM puts down tha tray n' looks over.

 **SAM  
** Wait, what?

LINDSEY gestures all up in tha MAN, whose name is TIM, n' his cold-ass two companions, REGGIE n' STEVE.

 **LINDSEY  
** Dude called you Sam.

 **SAM  
** Yeah. Uh. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Samz mah middle name.

LINDSEY laughs.

 **LINDSEY  
** Keith Sam, biatch? Man, I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit.

 **TIM  
** Well, actually, itz Samuel, so it aint like as dumb as it sounds.

 **LINDSEY  
** Is you muthafuckas playas?

 **STEVE  
** Huntin buddies. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! With his fuckin lil' dad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Samuel here is like tha hunta his dirty ass.

 **LINDSEY  
** Wow. Yo ass capped deer n' thangs?

 **TIM  
** Yeah, n' thangs.

 **SAM  
** Um. Why don't I git you muthafuckas some drinks?

Da three huntas sit at a table. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM puts brews up in front of dem n' takes tha fourth seat.

 **TIM  
** Sorry. Didn't mean ta bust you back there.

 **SAM  
** No. It aint nuthin but all right. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So what tha fuck up?

 **TIM  
** Bobby called.

 **SAM  
** And?

 **TIM  
** Yo ass was right. Major demon block jam goin on.

 **SAM  
** But why, biatch? What is they up to?

 **STEVE  
** Don't know yet.

 **REGGIE  
** Bobby holla'd at our asses you was off limits, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. That true?

 **SAM  
** Yeah, thatz right.

 **TIM  
** Thatz fine up in theory n' all yo, but we could straight-up use all handz on deck here.

 **SAM  
** I know you could. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! But I can't. I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit.

 **STEVE  
** Why not?

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but personal.

 **TIM  
** Look, dude, what tha fuck baggage is so heavy it can't be stowed away fo' tha freakin apocalypse?

 **SAM  
** Like I holla'd—

 **REGGIE  
** Yeah. Yo ass is sorry bout dat bullshit yo. Heard it tha last time.

 **TIM  
** Suit yo ass. Mo' fo' our asses then, right?

 **SAM  
** Dope luck.

 **TIM  
** But hey. Beers is on you when we git back.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, you bet.

 **LINDSEY  
** So yo' muthafathas was faded when they named you n' you blast Bambi?

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but a long-ass story.

 **LINDSEY  
** That is dat shit. Enough wit tha kung fu wanderin tha earth thang. I'ma loot you dinner n' we gonna talk.

 **SAM  
** Lindsey, I can't.

 **LINDSEY  
** No. Da only way ta stay tha fuck away from bloodshed is ta say yes.

**_BROTHEL_ **

_INT. BROTHEL BAR – NIGHT_

DEAN drinks. CASTIEL looks terrified.

 **DEAN  
** Hey. Relax.

 **CASTIEL  
** This be a thugged-out den of iniquity. I should not be here.

 **DEAN  
** Dude, you full-on rebelled against heaven. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Iniquitizzle is one of tha perks.

A HOOKER approaches. DEAN notices.

 **DEAN  
** Showtime.

 **HOOKER  
** Yo! Whatz yo' name?

CASTIEL tries not ta peep her muthafuckin ass.

 **DEAN  
** Cas.

CASTIEL startles.

 **DEAN  
** His name is Cas. Whatz yo' name?

 **HOOKER  
** Chastity.

 **DEAN  
** Chastity.

CASTIEL dranks his brew.

 **DEAN  
** Wow. Is dat kismet or what, dawg, biatch? Well, he likes you, you like him, so dayenu.

CHASTITY tugs CASTIEL up.

 **CHASTITY  
** Come on, baby.

DEAN catches CASTIEL on tha way past.

 **DEAN  
** Yo, listen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Take this.

DEAN holdz up a handful of scrilla.

 **DEAN  
** If she asks fo' a cold-ass lil credit card, no. Now just stick ta tha basics, aiiight, biatch? Do not order off tha menu fo'sho. Go git her, tiger.

CASTIEL stays still.

 **DEAN  
** Don't make me push you, biatch.

CASTIEL takes tha scrilla n' turns ta follow CHASTITY fo' realz. Another HOOKER strutts past; DEAN bigs up her n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch n' DEAN clink glasses all up in tha bar.

 **DEAN  
** Well, cheers ta you, biatch.

A scream offscreen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. DEAN goes ta investigate.

_INT. BROTHEL BACK CORRIDOR – NIGHT_

**CHASTITY  
** Git outta mah grill biaaatch! Leave me alone biaaatch! Bastard hommie! Screw you, jerk!

She throws suttin' at CASTIEL, whoz ass be a lil disheveled.

 **CHASTITY  
** I be bout ta bust a cap up in you, nahmean biiiatch?

She storms past DEAN.

 **CHASTITY  
** Screw you too! Dogg hommie! Oh! Jerk!

DEAN approaches CASTIEL.

 **DEAN  
** Da hell did you do?

 **CASTIEL  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. I just looked her up in tha eyes n' holla'd at her it wasn't her fault dat her daddy Gene ran off. Dat shiznit was cuz dat schmoooove muthafucka hated his thang all up in tha post crib.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, no, man.

 **CASTIEL  
** What?

 **DEAN  
** This whole industry runs on absent fathers. It's, itz tha natural order.

Two BOUNCERS enta from tha door CHASTITY left through.

 **DEAN  
** We should go. Come on.

Dude n' CASTIEL head fo' tha door all up in tha opposite end of tha corridor.

_EXT fo' realz. ALLEY – NIGHT_

DEAN is bustin up as his schmoooove ass closes tha door behind his dirty ass n' CASTIEL.

 **CASTIEL  
** Whatz so funky?

 **DEAN  
** Oh, nothing. Whoo. It aint nuthin but been a long-ass time since I've laughed dat hard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! It aint nuthin but been mo' than a long-ass time. Years.

DEANz grill falls as he realizes.

**_BAR_ **

_INT. BAR – NIGHT_

SAM n' LINDSEY is chillin at a table, smokin.

 **LINDSEY  
** So...you gonna tell me whoz ass dem muthafuckas back there straight-up were, biatch? And don't say hustlin buddies.

 **SAM  
** Okay. Um. We used ta be up in tha same bidnizz together.

 **LINDSEY  
** What bidnizz?

 **SAM  
** Howz yo' salad?

 **LINDSEY  
** Witnizz protection, right, biatch? Yo ass is Mafia?

 **SAM  
** I aint Mafia.

 **LINDSEY  
** Okay, I git dat shit. Don't mean ta pry, mah bad.

 **SAM  
** I used ta be up in bidnizz wit mah brutha n' shit. Truth is I was pretty phat all up in tha thang. But...I made some mistakes, I did some shiznit I aint so proud as a muthafucka of, n' playas gots hurt fo' realz. All dem people.

 **LINDSEY  
** What was yo' poison?

 **SAM  
** Sorry?

 **LINDSEY  
** Come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass was hooked on something, I know tha look.

LINDSEY pulls a medallion outta her pocket.

 **LINDSEY  
** Three muthafuckin years sober.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass work up in a funky-ass bar.

 **LINDSEY  
** So do you, biatch. Look, Keith. I don't give a fuck you n' I be tha last thug ta be givin lyrics yo, but I do know dat no one has eva done anythang so shitty dat they can't be forgiven. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. That they can't chizzle.

 


	4. Chapter 4

  1. **_PETER'S HOSPITAL_**



_INT yo. HOSPITAL – DAY_

A nurse strutts down tha hallway. DEAN watches her go n' slips tha fuck into tha room, shuttin tha door behind his ass n' closin tha shades. CASTIEL be already inside; he pours tha oil up in a cold-ass lil circle round DONNIEz wheelchair.

 **CASTIEL  
** When tha oil burns, no angel can bust a nut on or pass all up in tha flames, or da ruffneck dies.

 **DEAN  
** Okay, so we trap his ass up in a steel cage of holy fire yo, but one question. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. How tha fuck tha hell do we git his ass here?

 **CASTIEL  
** Straight-up simple. There's, well, almost a open beeper line between a vessel n' his thugged-out angel. One just has ta know how tha fuck ta dial.

CASTIEL leans down ta DONNIEz ear n' chants up in Enochian.

 **CASTIEL  
** I be here, Raphael. Come n' git me, you lil bastard.

CASTIEL leaves tha oil circle.

 **DEAN  
** Just outta curiosity, what tha fuck is tha average hustla wait time ta drop a rhyme ta a archangel?

 **CASTIEL  
** Be ready.

CASTIEL lights a match n' drops it on tha oil, which bursts tha fuck into a rang of flame.

**_ABANDONED HOUSE_ **

_EXT. ROAD – NIGHT_

DEAN n' CASTIEL drive up ta a house.

 **DEAN  
** Well thatz a thugged-out dizzle I be bout ta never git back.

_INT yo. HOUSE – NIGHT_

DEAN n' CASTIEL enta tha house.

 **CASTIEL  
** Dean, wait.

Bright light.

DONNIE be already inside tha cabin, flarin wit lightnin up in tha shape of wings; now he is RAPHAEL. Lightbulbs shatter.

 **RAPHAEL  
** Castiel.

 **CASTIEL  
** Raphael.

CASTIEL n' DEAN strutt closer.

 **DEAN  
** And I thought you was supposed ta be impressive fo' realz. All you do is black up tha room.

 **RAPHAEL  
** And tha Eastside Seaboard.

Lightnin flashes outside.

 **RAPHAEL  
** It be a testament ta mah unendin mercy dat I do not smite you here n' now, nahmeean?

 **DEAN  
** Or maybe you full of crap. Maybe you afraid Dogg will brang Cas back ta game again n' again n' again n' smite you n' yo' candy-ass skirt. By tha way, hi, I be Dean.

 **RAPHAEL  
** I know whoz ass yo ass is fo' realz. And now, props ta him, I know where yo ass is.

 **CASTIEL  
** Yo ass won't bust a cap up in his muthafuckin ass. Yo ass wouldn't dare.

 **RAPHAEL  
** But I'ma take his ass ta Michael.

 **DEAN  
** Well then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Soundz terrifying. Well shiiiit, it do. But, uh, don't give a fuck bout ta rap , I aint goin anywhere wit you, biatch.

DEAN grabs a funky-ass brew.

 **RAPHAEL  
** Surely you remember Zachariah givin you stomach cancer?

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, dat was, dat was hilarious.

 **RAPHAEL  
** Well, da ruffneck aint gots anythang close ta mah imagination.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, biatch? I bet you didn't imagine one thang.

 **RAPHAEL  
** What?

 **DEAN  
** We knew you was coming, you wack lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch.

DEAN lights his fuckin lighta n' drops it yo. Holy oil ignites up in a cold-ass lil circle round RAPHAEL.

 **DEAN  
** Don't peep me, dat shiznit was his crazy-ass muthafuckin idea.

 **CASTIEL  
** Where is He?

 **RAPHAEL  
** God, biatch? Didn't you hear, biatch? Dat punk dead, Castiel. Dead.

**_BAR_ **

_INT. BAR – NIGHT_

SAM wipes down a table. Da door chimes open n' one of mah thugs comes in.

 **SAM  
** Barz closed.

SAM turns around.

 **SAM  
** Hey.

 **TIM  
** Somethang you wanna tell me, Sam?

 **SAM  
** What, biatch? No.

 **TIM  
** Yo ass shizzle bout that?

 **SAM  
** I—I don't give a fuck—jeez. Is you aiiight, biatch? Where is Reggie n' Steve?

 **TIM  
** Oh, Stevez good, he's, uh, his wild lil' freakadelic guts is lyin roadside outside tha Hawley Five n' Dime.

 **SAM  
** I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit.

 **TIM  
** Sorry don't cut it, Sam.

 **SAM  
** What do you want me ta say?

 **TIM  
** Da truth.

SAM say nothing.

 **TIM  
** Okay, fine. Let me hit you wit a shitload of mah own, then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. We go tha fuck into town, we catch ourselves a thugged-out demon, we git jumped by ten mo' n' mo' n' mo'. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Steve looted dat shit.

 **SAM  
** I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit.

 **TIM  
** Sayin it twice don't make it so, Sam. Yo ass see, dis demon, he, uh, tha pimpin' muthafucka holla'd at our asses thangs. Crazy-Ass thangs, thangs bout you, Sam.

 **SAM  
** Demons lie.

 **TIM  
** Yeah. I'ma ask you one last time. Da truth. Now.

Da door chimes again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. REGGIE comes in, haulin LINDSEY.

 **SAM  
** Lindsey!

REGGIE holdz a knife ta LINDSEYz neck.

 **LINDSEY  
** Whatz goin on?

 


	5. Chapter 5

**_ABANDONED HOUSE_ **

_INT yo. HOUSE – NIGHT_

**RAPHAEL  
** But there be a no other explanation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Dat punk gone fo' good.

 **CASTIEL  
** Yo ass is lying.

 **RAPHAEL  
** Am I, biatch? Do you remember tha twentieth century, biatch? Think tha twenty-first is goin any better, biatch? Do you be thinkin Dogg would have let any of dat happen if Dude was kickin it?

 **DEAN  
** Oh yeah, biatch? Well then whoz ass invented tha Chinese basket trick?

 **RAPHAEL  
** Careful naaahhmean, biatch? Thatz mah Father you poppin' off about, boy.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, whoz ass would be all kindsa proud as a muthafucka ta know His lil playas started tha friggin apocalypse.

 **RAPHAEL  
** Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck ran off n' disappeared. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck left no instructions n' a ghetto ta run.

 **DEAN  
** Daddy ran away n' disappeared. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Dude didn't happen ta work fo' tha post office, did He?

 **RAPHAEL  
** This is funky ta yo slick ass, biatch? Yo ass is livin up in a godless universe.

 **DEAN  
** And, biatch? What, you n' tha other lil playas just decided ta throw a apocalypse while Dude was gone?

 **RAPHAEL  
** We tired. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Us playas just want it ta be over n' shit. Us playas just want...paradise.

 **DEAN  
** So, what, Dogg takes a thugged-out dirt nap n' make you tha boss n' you decizzle you can do whatever you want?

 **RAPHAEL  
** Yes fo' realz. And whatever we want, we get.

Da windows burst in.

**_BAR_ **

_INT. BAR – NIGHT_

**SAM  
** Just take it easy as fuck , aiiight, biatch? Put tha knife down.

REGGIE puts tha knife down on tha bar but keeps hold of LINDSEY.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but true. What tha demons holla'd, itz all true.

 **TIM  
** Keep going.

 **SAM  
** Why, biatch? Yo ass gonna don't give a fuck bout me any less, biatch? Am I gonna don't give a fuck bout mah dirty ass any less, biatch? What do you want?

 **TIM  
** I wanna hear you say dat shit.

 **SAM  
** I done did dat shit. I started tha apocalypse.

**_ABANDONED HOUSE_ **

_INT yo. HOUSE – NIGHT_

**CASTIEL  
** If Dogg is dead, why have I returned, biatch? Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck brought me back?

 **RAPHAEL  
** Did it eva occur ta you dat maybe Lucifer raised yo slick ass?

 **CASTIEL  
** No.

 **RAPHAEL  
** Think bout it yo. Dude needz all tha rebellious angels his schmoooove ass can find. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass know it addz up.

 **CASTIEL  
** Letz go.

 **RAPHAEL  
** Castiel, I be warnin you, biatch. Do not leave me here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. I'ma find you, biatch.

 **CASTIEL  
** Maybe one day. It make me wanna hollar playa! But todizzle, you mah lil biiiatch.

CASTIEL leaves. DEAN bigs up, pausing.

 **DEAN  
** What da perved-out muthafucka holla'd.

**_BAR_ **

_INT. BAR – NIGHT_

TIM holdz up a test tube of red liquid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! SAM stares at dat shit.

 **SAM  
** What tha fuck iz that?

 **TIM  
** What do you be thinkin it is, biatch? It aint nuthin but go juice, Sammy boy.

 **SAM  
** Git dat away from mah dirty ass.

 **TIM  
** Away from yo slick ass, biatch? No. This is fo' you, biatch yo. Hell if dat demon wasn't right as rain. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Down tha hatch, son.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass is insane.

 **TIM  
** Herez whatz gonna happen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass is gonna drank this, Hulk out, n' you gonna waste every last muthafuckin one of tha demon scum dat capped mah dopest playa.

TIM nodz at LINDSEY, whom REGGIE has just handcuffed ta tha bar.

 **TIM  
** Or her dope ass dies.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass wouldn't do that.

 **TIM  
** It aint nuthin but funky how tha fuck watchin yo' dopest playa take a thugged-out dirtnap chizzlez that.

REGGIE n' TIM advizzle on SAM, whoz ass retreats.

 **TIM  
** Come on, you know you want it, Sam. Just reach up n' take dat shit.

REGGIE charges SAM, whoz ass tosses his ass tha fuck into tha pool table. TIM joins in, he n' REGGIE restrainin SAM n' pourin tha demon blood tha fuck into his crazy-ass grill, then holdin his crazy-ass grill closed so he'll swallow. They drop SAM n' back away. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM gets up.

 **TIM  
** There, was dat straight-up so bad?

SAM spits it up in TIMz eye n' poundz his ass n' REGGIE both, then grabs TIM, slams his ass tha fuck into tha bar, takes REGGIEz knife, n' holdz it ta TIMz throat yo. Dude notices LINDSEY watching, scared, n' throws TIM over ta REGGIE.

 **SAM  
** Go.

 **TIM  
** Don't be thinkin we won't be back.

 **SAM  
** Don't be thinkin I won't be here.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**_IMPALA_ **

_INT. IMPALA – NIGHT_

DEAN drives. CASTIEL rides shotgun.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass aiiight?

CASTIEL is silent.

 **DEAN  
** Look, I be bout ta be tha straight-up original gangsta ta rap dat dis lil crusade of yours is nuts yo, but I do know a lil suttin' bout missin fathers.

 **CASTIEL  
** What do you mean?

 **DEAN  
** I mean there was times when I was lookin fo' mah daddy when all logic holla'd dat da thug was dead yo, but I knew up in mah ass da thug was still kickin dat shit, yo. Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck cares what tha fuck some ninja turtle says, Cas, what tha fuck do you believe?

 **CASTIEL  
** I believe he up there.

 **DEAN  
** Good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Then go find his muthafuckin ass.

 **CASTIEL  
** What bout yo slick ass?

 **DEAN  
** What bout me son, biatch? I don't give a gangbangin' fuck yo. Honestly, I be good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! I can't believe I be sayin dat yo, but I am, I be straight-up good.

 **CASTIEL  
** Even without yo' brother?

 **DEAN  
** Especially without mah brutha n' shit. I mean, I dropped so much time worryin bout tha lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch. I mean, I've had mo' funk wit you up in tha past twenty-four minutes than I've had wit Sam up in years, n' you not dat much fun. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It aint nuthin but funky, you know, I've been so chained ta mah crew yo, but now dat I be alone, hell, I be horny.

DEAN looks over; tha shotgun seat is empty yo. His smile falters.

**_SAM'S MOTEL ROOM_ **

_EXT. GREAT PLAINS MOTEL – NIGHT_

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

SAM chills ridin' solo.

 **JESS  
** Sam. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sam.

SAM wakes up n' looks around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! JESS is back yo. Dude kisses her on tha neck; she rolls over ta grill his muthafuckin ass.

 **JESS  
** So. This is yo' game now, biatch? Think you can just live forever wit yo' head buried up in tha sand?

JESS runs her thumb over SAM'S chin.

 **SAM  
** I gots a straight-up boner fo' you, Jess.

SAM sits up in bed, turnin away from JESS, whoz ass sits up like a muthafucka.

 **SAM  
** Dogg knows how tha fuck much I miss you, like a muthafucka. But you wrong. Muthafuckas can chizzle. There is reason fo' hope.

 **JESS  
** Fuck dat shit, Sam. There aint.

JESS puts a hand on SAMz shoulder n' morphs tha fuck into NICK from [5.01 Sympathy fo' tha Devil](http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=5.01_Sympathy_for_the_Devil); JESS has been LUCIFER all along.

 **SAM  
** How tha fuck can you be all kindsa sure?

 **LUCIFER  
** Because you freed mah dirty ass.

SAM turns, sees LUCIFER where he expected JESS, n' standz up n' backs away.

 **LUCIFER  
** Thatz right. Yo ass know whoz ass I am.

 **SAM  
** Lucifer.

 **LUCIFER  
** Yo ass be a hard one ta find, Sam yo. Harder than most humans. I don't suppose you'd tell me where yo ass is?

 **SAM  
** What do you want wit me son?

 **LUCIFER  
** Thanks ta you, I strutt tha earth. I wanna hit you wit a gift. I wanna hit you wit every last muthafuckin thang.

 **SAM  
** I don't want anythang from you, biatch.

 **LUCIFER  
** I be soopa-doopa sorry, Sam, I, I straight-up am yo, but Nick here is just a improvisation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Plan B yo. Dude can barely contain me without spontaneously combusting.

 **SAM  
** What is you poppin' off about?

LUCIFER standz n' moves closer ta SAM.

 **LUCIFER  
** Why do you be thinkin you was up in dat chapel, biatch? Yo ass is tha one, Sam. Yo ass is mah vessel. My fuckin legit vessel.

 **SAM  
** No.

 **LUCIFER  
** Yes yes y'all.

 **SAM  
** No. That'll never happen.

 **LUCIFER  
** I be sorry yo, but it will. I'ma find you, biatch fo' realz. And when I do, yo big-ass booty is ghon let me in. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be shizzle of dat shit.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass need mah consent.

LUCIFER crosses his thugged-out arms over his chest.

 **LUCIFER  
** Of course. I be a angel.

 **SAM  
** I'ma bust a cap up in mah dirty ass before lettin you in.

 **LUCIFER  
** I be bout ta just brang you back.

LUCIFER sighs.

 **LUCIFER  
** Sam. My fuckin ass breaks fo' you, biatch. Da weight on yo' shoulders, what tha fuck you've done, what tha fuck you still gotta do. Well shiiiit, it is mo' than mah playas could bear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. If there was some other way...but there aint. I aint NEVER gonna lie ta you, biatch. I aint NEVER gonna trick you, biatch. But yo big-ass booty is ghon say yeaaaa ta mah dirty ass.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass is wrong.

 **LUCIFER  
** I be not. I be thinkin I know you betta than you know yo ass.

 **SAM  
** Why me son?

 **LUCIFER  
** Because it had ta be you, Sam. Well shiiiit, it always had ta be you, biatch.

SAM looks up. LUCIFER is gone.

 


End file.
